Dear Diary

June 4 2013
I have always looked up to my mom. She is my hero, she is my best friend and she is someone who I know will always love me unconditionally. My mom is tough as nails, she has had her heart broken and was able to love again, and not just fall in love, but to keep it. She was able to move past her heart break and provide enough love for my entire family. She is magical.It is hard to look at the woman I love most in this world, and picture her being heart broken, to picture her being put through suffering and pain all because of a boy who is now insignificant. She spent 9 years with him. 9 years of her life, of her wonderful, spirit filled, innocent life was filled with thoughts that revolved around him. She loved him and he broke her down. That story brings me to tears, I mean 9 years with someone and you cheat on them. Being cheated on is one of those things that you know happens, but could never happen to you. It is the car accident of relationships, you don’t see it coming, you doubt it will ever happen to you, but when it happens… it hits you out of nowhere. The one thing that is most important to me is trust. It is a virtue. It is one of the most important things a person can have and give. It is love. He broke my trust. He broke my heart and he kind of broke me. To cheat on someone is the most insulting thing anyone can ever do. The ultimate betrayal. Maybe I don’t know anything about love, but what I feel is something no one can study. It isn’t something that can be compared and contrasted with age. What I’m feeling is engulfing me. It is taking over my body, and is suffocating me. I trusted him to go to that party, I trusted him to have a good time and to be with his friends. I never wanted to be the controlling girlfriend; I made fun of those girls, so I let him do what he wanted to. She was my friend, she invited me to her party, and just because I couldn’t go isn’t an excuse for what happened. They could’ve stopped; they could’ve realized what they were doing. They did realize what they were doing, I have to be honest with myself here.What astonishes me is that he then has the audacity to lie to my face, break up with me and leave me to wonder what I did, what I didn’t do, what went wrong. The “what ifs” are silent killers and they sure as hell did their job. I mean, I’m not a very confident person to begin with, and that just killed me. Any self-confidence I had was gone with the truth that I wasn’t good enough to say no for.

 

August 4, 2013
I truly believed he loved me. And I honestly don’t know what it is that makes me so naïve, what makes girls believe things just because it’s what we want to hear. But “he” made me fall for him, and for a few months it was good. At the time I thought it was good at least, now looking back, I wish I thought more clearly.Trust is so fragile, especially when it is tied to innocence. That’s what I was, a trusting innocent little girl who was constantly fooled by an experienced young man who thought he was in love.I trusted him, I trusted him to respect the walls I tried to build and never hurt me like he did before. Second chances are rare in life, and only the rarest people give them. I gave one to him, and he wasted it. He ended things with me the exact same way he did before in the exact same place, cowardly and unfaithfully. He went off with the first girl he could find right in front of me just hours later.In some ways I wish I made different choices, however, I do not regret anything I did because it showed me everything I do not want in a relationship and everything I do not deserve.He broke me, but not entirely. He broke the part of me that was insecure and felt as though I needed to settle for what I thought I deserved… and I do not miss that part of me at all. Everything happens for a reason and that is why I now know I have to be able to be happy with myself before I can share my happiness with someone else.I guess this is something my mother and I share in common, and if I turn out to be like her, I will be grinning from ear to ear.